A Year of Tears

Today marks exactly one year since we had Leah's 20-week ultrasound. It marks a year of knowing we were having our second daughter, and it marks us choosing the name "Leah" for her. It also is the day that truly brought me to my knees before my God, upon discovering the news that our little baby girl had a terminal condition. The shortest summary of this reality involves words like, devastating, earthshattering, life altering, surreal, grief, and tears. Many, many tears! Thus, I have now come to call this November 12th, my Year of Tears.

I feel so many emotions today as I recall the events of exactly one year ago. I had been looking forward to our ultrasound like a child looks forward to Christmas. I was even more excited this time around, to find out if we were having a baby boy or girl. I had been counting down the days, and finally our appointment arrived. Luke, Kyla and I all got the see Leah's ultrasound, and hear the news that we were having a girl. Kyla said, "Yay - a sister. I'll teach her to play dolls and take her to the park." I had visions of my little girls, 3 years apart, wearing matching dresses. Luke looked so excited as well! We went back into the waiting room until the doctor was ready to see us. This bliss lasted for only a short while. Then I went back into the doctor's room and heard our devastating news about Leah, while Luke waiting with Kyla. The rest is a blur of tears and sorrow.

This is my journal entry from that very night:

Wednesday ~ November 12th, 2008
At today's 20 week ultrasound, we received devastating news. The little girl I'm carrying hasn't developed properly. She has a cleft lip, which we're told by itself isn't a huge deal. But in addition, the scan of her brain showed the front wasn't visible. It may not have developed. Now we are left with millions of questions. Will our little girl die in utero? Will she die shortly after birth? Will I even get to hold this precious little girl, or call her by her name?
My prayers are to the Lord, that our little girl will be developed enough to survive. That she can join our family and experience our love. I can't stop shaking and crying - still not really able to grasp the severity of what was discovered today.
The thought of a special needs child hit me first, slowly followed by the thought that without a properly formed brain, it might not be possible for this girl to even survive.
As I write this, I can feel her kicking and moving inside me. With each movement, a wave of sadness consumes me. Will I ever get to meet my baby? Will I get to hold her and kiss her? I feel a deep sense of urgency to pick out a name for her.
Lord, she is your child, your creation. She is inside me, and your arms are holding us both.

Psalm 139:13-16 says For you created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful. I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

God, You know this life already. She is your design. Help me to grasp what that design is and to trust you as I walk down this path filled with pain and sorrow. Let us praise You despite the circumstances that are beyond our control These events are within Your master plan, and will bring you glory. Now my heart pleads with you for healing of my baby. Let her be born and able to survive and function. Let her be a joy to our family and to you. I think I've picked the name LEAH GRACE JARMER!

From that moment on, God truly directed the desires of my heart and the prayers that flowed from within me. I desired time with Leah, and He gave me 99 days to hold her in my arms. I pleaded with Him for the chance to express my love to her, and to even have the miracle of brining her home to be a part of our family here. Again, He said "Yes". What we got with Leah, given the severity of her challenges, is truly our miracle.

We are all just one phone call, one diagnosis, one accident away from our knees. When you have no strength left to stand, hitting the ground upon your knees, and calling out unto the Lord of all Creation is the only way to have enough strength to endure that which is life-shattering.
While we felt God's closeness and presence in tangible ways during our time with Leah, it seems to be a different season today. We are in a season of grief and mourning, for what we have lost is so great. We have lost our future together as a family of four. As long as we're on this Earth, Leah will be missing from our family. That is a pain that won't go away, or be possible for us to get over. Yet, it is in this season of sorrow, that God appears almost silent. I believe it is during this time that He is listening to each one of my tears, carrying me along moment by moment. This is the part of our journey, where we only see one set of footprints in the sand. It's God's footprints, not mine. I wish I could hear Him as he carried me. I wish I could sense His closeness like before. But He knows that I couldn't hear Him over my sobs anyway, so He is wise in just holding me and carrying me through to a calmer, safer time, when I'll be better able to hear His voice. While He carries me, I can clearly remember what His voice sounds like, the things He's promised me, and the truths He has proven to me over this past year. My God isn't some distant ruler over my life. Rather, the Lord Jesus is my closest friend, the only one in whom I can fully trust.

I read this today, "Your weaknesses and inadequacies make themselves known to you again and again. You can't always count on other people, and you can't count on yourself. No human being can meet all your needs, especially your deepest needs.

"We are living in a broken world," states Barbara Johnson. "We see broken marriages, broken people, broken lives. There's never going to come a time when we've got it all together."

She continues, "As you go through grief, as you center your focus on what is ahead of you as a Christian, that helps you to know that what you're going through isn't going to last. You have to take a day at a time. Tomorrow may be different. Yesterday is a canceled check, tomorrow is a promissory note, but today is cash. You've got today to serve the Lord."

You are at a point where you need to decide whom you will lean on, trust, and put your hope in. Now is the time to search God's Word and hold on to this lifeline. God will meet you where you are, at your point of pain. Seek Him, talk to Him, and learn about Him. He is the only way out of despair.

Listen to God's promise to you and claim it: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart'" (Jeremiah 29:11-13).

So I've reached a year of tears, during which I have grown more than I ever thought possible. I have the insight now to having no fear when it comes to love. With Leah, there wasn't room to both be afraid of what lay in store for her tomorrow and to love her fully and deeply, accepting her every moment was in God's hands. That is the reality with each of us, only we don't tend to see our own lives that way. I have grown to truly long for Heaven. I better see the urgency in needing to help the poor and hurting around us in tangible ways.

I am truly thankful to God for Leah. She took a big piece of my heart with her up to Heaven, and through that process, has allowed me to gain a more eternal perspective of this life. Most importantly, I have experienced God's goodness, love and blessing amidst tragedy. There is nothing in this life that I could experience, which God will not use for His glory and sovereign purpose.

A year of tears. Leah's birth and death. Spring gave way into Summer, which gave way into Fall. Four months since I've held Leah ~ a great many more before I will again. Just as there are seasons on this Earth, so to are there seasons of the Heart. I am praying for a season of healing and restoration for our entire family. I am trusting in the One who can bring beauty from our ashes. I am awaiting His timing in this, too!