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Friday, November 11, 2011
Another Wave of Grief - 3 Years Since Tears Started to Fall
Tomorrow marks 3 years since Leah's 20 week ultrasound.....it's hard to believe that such intense sorrow has been a part of my life for so long now. I knew another wave of grief would be arriving this week, and I hope you don't mind me talking about how I'm doing. It's so hard when there is no one here asking, "how are you doing?" any more, and yet there is so much that I need and want to share!
I just found a really good book about losing a child that focuses on life BEYOND the 2 year mark of loss. It's called When the Bough Breaks. It's so exactly what I need to be reading at this point, as it really helps me to see how "normal" it is for parents to continue to carry a certain degree of sorrow with them for the rest of their life. Even in the really good times, there is this twinge of saddness that Leah couldn't be here with us to celebrate, whether it's the holidays or Kyla's birthday, or of course on Leah's own birthday. It's so hard, thinking about buying Kyla a pair of Christmas PJs, and being so aware of the fact that Leah's not here and I don't need to be getting her a pair too. Sometimes it's all the things that I'm NOT doing for her that remind me of Leah. It can get quite exhausting trying to move forward and not backwards, when forwards takes you farther away from your memories and experiences of your child's life. My love for Leah is there every day, and it's so hard not getting to express it to her face to face.
I'm realizing more and more that losing a child is not really something you recover from and go back to normal, but it's something that with time you learn to intigrate into your new life. It's like the track of your life hit a dead end, and you picked up your train, placed it on a new track, and are trying to forge forward while you are still so aware of the ache to be back on the track you were previously on, and traveling along upon it with your child. Does that make any sense? Those are just some thoughts I've been having lately. The book also talks about having more children after loss and highlights some families for whom that looked really healthy and healing, and for some others rather who gave that baby a "job" so to speak of making them happy again, or maybe parents who put that other child in a bubble to prevent any harm in their life and that's definitely not healthy either.
Tomorrow is also my baby shower for Ezra. I was fully aware of it being a Leah day.....and a very major one at that. But I also wanted there to be joy on that day too....getting to celebrate Leah's baby brother's life and how much we are looking forward to him arriving. We are excited, but at the same time so terrified! We so deeply want everything to be ok with him, his delivery, his health of course. 74 days until my due date. We are counting it down with Kyla on a big chain we just made. I feel so ready to just have him in my arms, safe and sound! But even more, how much I just wish I could have all my children here with me...safe and sound! All of those mothers around me who have that just don't know how ignorantly blissful their lives are......that they still have their innocence. I truly am happy for them! I wouldn't wish this ache upon anyone! But at times like this, how I miss still having my innocence!
So many days, life feels so much harder than I ever dreamed it could be. It makes me long so deeply for eternal things....for being in Heaven worshipping God face to face.....for what we were truly created to be....without sin and death and pain. When more waves of grief arrive, it is just SO HARD to keep on going so many of those days. It's hard being strong when we know how fragile life is, and how it is beyond our control to protect it from all harm.
So this is yet another wave of grief, that I was expecting to come. But I just didn't know when it was going to hit exactly, or that I still had this many tears to cry! What a blessing that some dear friends just happened to show up an hour ago and invite Kyla to the zoo with their family this afternoon. It's so hard to fully experience grief when you are having to put on a strong face as a Mommy or Wife, and it so obviously needs to be all let out! For me, the tears mainly flow when I am alone and can really focus on my feelings and grief. That's the part of working through and surviving loss that they call "Grief Work"! It takes a lot of work to let the feelings surface, and face them head on. But it is in my brokenness, that God provides Himself as he brings yet even more healing!
I just found a really good book about losing a child that focuses on life BEYOND the 2 year mark of loss. It's called When the Bough Breaks. It's so exactly what I need to be reading at this point, as it really helps me to see how "normal" it is for parents to continue to carry a certain degree of sorrow with them for the rest of their life. Even in the really good times, there is this twinge of saddness that Leah couldn't be here with us to celebrate, whether it's the holidays or Kyla's birthday, or of course on Leah's own birthday. It's so hard, thinking about buying Kyla a pair of Christmas PJs, and being so aware of the fact that Leah's not here and I don't need to be getting her a pair too. Sometimes it's all the things that I'm NOT doing for her that remind me of Leah. It can get quite exhausting trying to move forward and not backwards, when forwards takes you farther away from your memories and experiences of your child's life. My love for Leah is there every day, and it's so hard not getting to express it to her face to face.
I'm realizing more and more that losing a child is not really something you recover from and go back to normal, but it's something that with time you learn to intigrate into your new life. It's like the track of your life hit a dead end, and you picked up your train, placed it on a new track, and are trying to forge forward while you are still so aware of the ache to be back on the track you were previously on, and traveling along upon it with your child. Does that make any sense? Those are just some thoughts I've been having lately. The book also talks about having more children after loss and highlights some families for whom that looked really healthy and healing, and for some others rather who gave that baby a "job" so to speak of making them happy again, or maybe parents who put that other child in a bubble to prevent any harm in their life and that's definitely not healthy either.
Tomorrow is also my baby shower for Ezra. I was fully aware of it being a Leah day.....and a very major one at that. But I also wanted there to be joy on that day too....getting to celebrate Leah's baby brother's life and how much we are looking forward to him arriving. We are excited, but at the same time so terrified! We so deeply want everything to be ok with him, his delivery, his health of course. 74 days until my due date. We are counting it down with Kyla on a big chain we just made. I feel so ready to just have him in my arms, safe and sound! But even more, how much I just wish I could have all my children here with me...safe and sound! All of those mothers around me who have that just don't know how ignorantly blissful their lives are......that they still have their innocence. I truly am happy for them! I wouldn't wish this ache upon anyone! But at times like this, how I miss still having my innocence!
So many days, life feels so much harder than I ever dreamed it could be. It makes me long so deeply for eternal things....for being in Heaven worshipping God face to face.....for what we were truly created to be....without sin and death and pain. When more waves of grief arrive, it is just SO HARD to keep on going so many of those days. It's hard being strong when we know how fragile life is, and how it is beyond our control to protect it from all harm.
So this is yet another wave of grief, that I was expecting to come. But I just didn't know when it was going to hit exactly, or that I still had this many tears to cry! What a blessing that some dear friends just happened to show up an hour ago and invite Kyla to the zoo with their family this afternoon. It's so hard to fully experience grief when you are having to put on a strong face as a Mommy or Wife, and it so obviously needs to be all let out! For me, the tears mainly flow when I am alone and can really focus on my feelings and grief. That's the part of working through and surviving loss that they call "Grief Work"! It takes a lot of work to let the feelings surface, and face them head on. But it is in my brokenness, that God provides Himself as he brings yet even more healing!
Waiting With Uncertainty, but With Such Deep Love
Parents who are given a poor prenatal diagnosis for their unborn baby, and are brave enough to choose LIFE are a minority these days. Less than 5% of these parents currently choose to continue with their pregnancy. What the doctors don't understand, is that while 95% of parents choose to have an aborition of an "imperfect life" , those of us who value our child's life, treasure each and every day we get together! We each await the arrival of that baby with so much uncertainty, but with SO MUCH LOVE! Please join me in praying for these two special babies, whom the doctors have given a very small chance of survival upon birth.
The Stryker Family is waiting with love for baby Corrine to arrive in January.
Corey and Emily are waiting with love for the arrival of their first child, baby Gracie Ann in February.
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