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Another Wave of Grief - 3 Years Since Tears Started to Fall

Tomorrow marks 3 years since Leah's 20 week ultrasound.....it's hard to believe that such intense sorrow has been a part of my life for so long now. I knew another wave of grief would be arriving this week, and I hope you don't mind me talking about how I'm doing.  It's so hard when there is no one here asking, "how are you doing?" any more, and yet there is so much that I need and want to share!
I just found a really good book about losing a child that focuses on life BEYOND the 2 year mark of loss. It's called When the Bough Breaks. It's so exactly what I need to be reading at this point, as it really helps me to see how "normal" it is for parents to continue to carry a certain degree of sorrow with them for the rest of their life. Even in the really good times, there is this twinge of saddness that Leah couldn't be here with us to celebrate, whether it's the holidays or Kyla's birthday, or of course on Leah's own birthday. It's so hard,  thinking about buying Kyla a pair of Christmas PJs, and being so aware of the fact that Leah's not here and I don't need to be getting her a pair too. Sometimes it's all the things that I'm NOT doing for her that remind me of Leah. It can get quite exhausting trying to move forward and not backwards, when forwards takes you farther away from your memories and experiences of your child's life. My love for Leah is there every day, and it's so hard not getting to express it to her face to face.

I'm realizing more and more that losing a child is not really something you recover from and go back to normal, but it's something that with time you learn to intigrate into your new life. It's like the track of your life hit a dead end, and you picked up your train, placed it on a new track, and are trying to forge forward while you are still so aware of the ache to be back on the track you were previously on, and traveling along upon it with your child. Does that make any sense? Those are just some thoughts I've been having lately. The book also talks about having more children after loss and highlights some families for whom that looked really healthy and healing, and for some others rather who gave that baby a "job" so to speak of making them happy again, or maybe parents who put that other child in a bubble to prevent any harm in their life and that's definitely not healthy either.
Tomorrow is also my baby shower for Ezra. I was fully aware of it being a Leah day.....and a very major one at that. But I also wanted there to be joy on that day too....getting to celebrate Leah's baby brother's life and how much we are looking forward to him arriving. We are excited, but at the same time so terrified! We so deeply want everything to be ok with him, his delivery, his health of course. 74 days until my due date. We are counting it down with Kyla on a big chain we just made. I feel so ready to just have him in my arms, safe and sound! But even more, how much I just wish I could have all my children here with me...safe and sound! All of those mothers around me who have that just don't know how ignorantly blissful their lives are......that they still have their innocence. I truly am happy for them!  I wouldn't wish this ache upon anyone!  But at times like this, how I miss still having my innocence!
So many days, life feels so much harder than I ever dreamed it could be. It makes me long so deeply for eternal things....for being in Heaven worshipping God face to face.....for what we were truly created to be....without sin and death and pain. When more waves of grief arrive, it is just SO HARD to keep on going so many of those days. It's hard being strong when we know how fragile life is, and how it is beyond our control to protect it from all harm.

So this is yet another wave of grief, that I was expecting to come. But I just didn't know when it was going to hit exactly, or that I still had this many tears to cry! What a blessing that some dear friends just happened to show up an hour ago and invite Kyla to the zoo with their family this afternoon. It's so hard to fully experience grief when you are having to put on a strong face as a Mommy or Wife, and it so obviously needs to be all let out! For me, the tears mainly flow when I am alone and can really focus on my feelings and grief.  That's the part of working through and surviving loss that they call "Grief Work"!  It takes a lot of work to let the feelings surface, and face them head on.  But it is in my brokenness, that God provides Himself as he brings yet even more healing!

Waiting With Uncertainty, but With Such Deep Love

Parents who are given a poor prenatal diagnosis for their unborn baby, and are brave enough to choose LIFE are a minority these days.  Less than 5% of these parents currently choose to continue with their pregnancy. What the doctors don't understand, is that while 95% of parents choose to have an aborition of an "imperfect life" , those of us who value our child's life, treasure each and every day we get together!   We each await the arrival of that baby with so much uncertainty, but with SO MUCH LOVE!  Please join me in praying for these two special babies, whom the doctors have given a very small chance of survival upon birth.

The Stryker Family is waiting with love for baby Corrine to arrive in January.

http://animoto.com/play/gZvbGBCkjfAfhGLkK6OVig?utm_content=main_link

Corey and Emily are waiting with love for the arrival of their first child, baby Gracie Ann in February.

http://www.gracieannk.blogspot.com/



To Write Her Name In the Sand

So there is this amazing mother, who also has a child in Heaven.  And she has taken on the task of writing our children's names in the sand.  She lives near this beautiful beach in Australia, and volunteers her time to write the names of our children who have gone away to Heaven, in the sand upon sunset each night.   How incredible that the night she wrote Leah's name, the sky glowed Lavendar!  Of course it did!  It is just perfect!  Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Carly Marie!

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2011/04/leah-grace-jarmer.html

Itty Bitty Bracelets of Love

~ Leah's Itty Bitty Bracelet of Love ~

A huge part of our journey with Leah has involved making new friends.   Since Leah went to Heaven, God has brought new women into my life who are carrying a baby (or babies) with a poor prenatal diagnosis.  It has been such an honor to walk beside them on this very bittersweet road, awaiting the arrival of their precious babies.  I began making a simple gift for each of these babies, an itty bitty name bracelet.  It is for these babies, that my heart has prayed over these past several years. 

I was given a braclet just like these for Leah during my pregnancy.  It meant so much coming from another mother who had a similar pregnancy to mine.  It came from a mother whose child was now in Heaven.  Thank you Owne's Mama!! Leah wore it often during her life, and it remains among my most precious keepsakes of my daughter.  I decided to start taking pictures and post the names of these sweet babies who remain near to my heart and will forever be with Leah in Heaven!

Shirely Grace Quillen

1/29/10 - 2/20/10

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/shirleygrace

Landyn Tom Harrell

July 31, 2009

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/landynandlarsyn

Nathan McNab

3 Months Old

Jayden

 

Baby Crowley

 Hartfeld Babies

Braylen Lane Lamar Menges

 (twin to Brayleigh, also in Heaven)

April 26 – September 2, 2010

Zayana Grace Mendez

12/23/10 – 4/19/11

http://www.mendezmoments.blogspot.com/

Madalyne Agustina Guerrero

10/26/04 - 3/3/11

Baby Mary Guerrero

Went to Heaven 3/3/11

(due Sept. 2011)



National Infant Loss Day - October 15th

Today our family participated in our third Walk to Remember.  This event was hosted by A Butterfly's Touch http://www.abutterflystouch.org/index.html and the money raised will be used to provide bereaved parents with a memory box upon losing a baby at local hospitals, as well as providing financial assistance for parents facing a funeral for their baby. I was given the honor of sharing a little bit of our story with the 160 bereaved parents who attended.   Here is what I shared:

Losing Leah & Holding onto Hope

A Walk to Remember

October 15, 2011

By Kristine Jarmer

I’m here today to share with you a little bit of my story. I fully and completely know that there is nothing that makes my story any more significant than yours. I wish we had time to hear each one of you share, because I know I would learn so much from the journey each of you have faced, in losing a child. I hope that you can see how much we have in common, as bereaved parents. I pray, that if your loss is very recent, that you will feel encouraged by my journey over the past several years, as I have struggled to survive losing my daughter Leah and face each new day without her. I want to offer you hope in the midst of your grief, encourage your faith in the midst of your questions and offer myself as living proof that God truly does heal broken hearts.


I’m honored today to introduce you to my daughter, Leah Grace Jarmer. We found out at our routine 20 week ultrasound that our second child would be another precious little girl. About an hour later, my doctor shared that there were complications. The scan had shown some major developmental abnormalities in our daughter’s brain. It quickly became apparent from seeing a specialist the next day that Leah’s brain did not form properly, and it was a very severe problem. They told us she wasn’t going to make it. We were devastated! The doctors were giving us a terminal diagnosis for our unborn baby, whom we’d never even met yet. As the tears dripped down my cheeks, I stared to let go of the dreams I had for my little girl. The doctors had shared they were very certain that she would be stillborn, any day from that point on. They didn’t sugar coat it for us – they just told us that was how bad things looked. We prayed for a miracle – we prayed for healing – but mainly we prayed simply for more time.


God answered our prayers for a miracle, by bringing Leah to full term and allowing her to be born crying! She spent 9 days in the NICU, where her survival was moment by moment. After her birth, Leah was diagnosed as having a very rare brain malformation called Alobar Holoprosencephaly. Her main challenge was frequent seizure activity, which the doctors were unable to treat with their usual seizure medications. So, at 9 days old, we brought our newborn baby home on hospice care. We were so thankful to get to bring her home, but it was so hard preparing to say good-bye. My husband and I cared for Leah around the clock, day and night, knowing each day we had together could be our last. Every three hours we fed her with a feeding tube and pump, which was probably the hardest part of her care, second only to holding her through her hundreds of brief seizures each day.


The days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into three months. The final month of her life, we were able to hire a nurse to come in several nights a week to allow us to get some long overdue sleep. Everyone was surprised that in her own way, Leah was thriving. Leah was still Leah, with all her challenges, but she was growing and responding to our love. Leah was so easy to love, and we were honored to have the chance to realign our lives to care for her. I remember holding Leah in my arms and looking up at the full moon out her nursery window. I talked to Leah about Heaven, a lot! For surely the things of Heaven will be finer than this! She would leave a world marked by crime and cruelty, disease and disappointment, for one of wholeness, richness, perfected beauty, and peace. I began to see that Leah’s brief life on earth and quick deliverance into eternal life in Heaven, in the presence of God was not cruel or tragic. It was, in many ways, a gift to her, a protection from the evil all around us. Not that it felt less cruel or tragic to me. I felt robbed. I felt cheated. I just loved my precious, sweet baby girl! Everyone who met her loved her. Big sister Kyla enjoyed giving Leah “baby hugs and kisses”. Knowing our time together was going to be brief, we threw Leah a 3 Month birthday party complete with butterfly decorations, cupcakes, gifts and games. We cherished her every smile, every hiccup, every yawn and even every cry! As we opened gifts, little did we know that in exactly one week, our arms would be empty, and our eyes full of tears.


We had prayed earnestly for Leah’s healing here on earth, but God had a different, yet sovereign plan. On June 27, 2009, , exactly 99 days old, Leah went to Heaven and was eternally healed! She took her last breath peacefully in her Daddy’s arms. There was an instant acceptance in my heart that Leah was with Jesus and with that reality God gave me a very real sense of peace. I also learned that it is possible to experience both joy and sorrow at the same moment. Even in Leah’s death, God’s goodness and provision were clearly seen by our family. We truly believe Leah’s survival for ninety-nine days was our miracle! She had a greater impact for Christ in her brief three months than most people have in their entire lifetime. We are so incredibly proud of our “Leah Sweet Pea-Ah” as I affectionately called her. Through our journey with Leah, we learned to trust God day by day, and moment by moment. We learned to cherish our daughter, and accept the gift of her life, without knowing how long we’d be allowed to enjoy her presence. We learned that with God, it is possible to survive saying goodbye to our precious daughter. But as each of you know, grief is not a quick or painless process.


While Leah was with us, there was a real richness in living. We never knew which day might be her last, and that added a true intensity to each day.


We rarely had meaningless conversations. We talked with everyone around us about things that really mattered – like what makes a life valuable, what it means to trust God, and what it means to love and be loved. In the days Leah was with us, and in those first few weeks after she left us, I remember feeling full – full of insight and understanding and purpose. She had taught us so much and awakened us from the slumber of living by rote. We felt enriched by our experience with her, and she had opened up places in our hearts and in our thinking and filled them up with meaning.


A few months later, though Leah had left me with such a sense of fullness, I felt completely empty – devoid of purpose, lacking energy, without insight or any sense of perspective on what had happened. But as bad as empty feels, sometimes emptiness is actually good. You see, I learned that God can work with empty. Over and over in Scripture we see that God fills emptiness with his own power and life.


As I faced my grief, I learned that Jesus was my only true source of hope. Leah has given me an incredible gift. She has given me the gift of being forced to reconsider the very purpose of my life and depend fully upon the one in whom I hope. Those who are sailing through a comfortable life at this point have not yet been forced to carefully consider their lives and surrender their own dreams. But because I have been shaken to the core, I see clearly that if I cling to my own plans and desires, I will never discover the freedom and joy found in losing your life for Jesus. For I believe the subject of one's hope is what can bring strength and comfort in the very face of despair and seemingly hopeless circumstances. With my faith, trust and hope placed firmly in Jesus, I eagerly await my reunion with Leah in Heaven.


If any of the parents sitting here today, can’t say with 100% certainty that they know they WILL see their baby in Heaven, I want so deeply to have you share with me in that assurance. That assurance is possible through placing your faith and trust in Jesus Christ as your savior. I could not possibly share with you my daughter’s story, without sharing the life giving news of God’s plan for salvation.


First, know that God loves you and offers a wonderful plan for your life. In one of the most well known Bible verses, John 3:16, it states, “God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him, shall not perish, but have eternal life”. Christ states that He came that we might have life, and might have it abundantly. Yet, most people would say that they are not experiencing such a meaningful abundant life. This is because man is sinful and separated from God as a result of sin. Therefore, man cannot know and experience God’s love and plan for his life. Romans 3:23 says that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. We were each created to have fellowship with God, but because or our own stubborn self-will, we choose to go our own way and fellowship with God is broken. God never leaves our side, but we can definitely move away, far far away, from God through our attitudes of active rebellion or passive indifference. This again is evidence of what the Bible calls sin. Romans 6:23 explains that the wages of sin is death, which means spiritual separation from God once we die. The Bible clearly states that Jesus Christ is God’s only provision for our sin. Through Him, you can know and experience God’s love and plan for your life. God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us on the cross, rose from the dead and has gone ahead to Heaven to prepare a place for those who believe. Finally, we must individually receive Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord; then we can know and experience God’s love and plan for our lives. Ephesians 2:8 says “By grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of your good works, so that no one can boast.”


As we face the death of a loved one, we are brought face to face with our own mortality aren’t we? It certainly brings eternity into a much clearer focus for me personally. If you would like to accept God’s free gift of eternal life, of salvation, of knowing that when you take your last breath on Earth, Heaven awaits you, please know that you can receive Christ right now by faith through a prayer just like this –






Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior and Lord. Thank You for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be. Amen






If this prayer expresses the desire of your heart, then between you and God, you can silently ask Christ to enter your life. Know that God is near the broken hearted, and that He is able to restore our joy and hope for the future.






These past two years have not been easy for me. The waves of grief have definitely changed the landscape of my life. But slowly and surely, I’ve been able to see the work that God is doing in my heart. I want to encourage those of you who are fresh in your grief. You will go on. For a while you will just go through the motions: getting up, going to work, cooking, eating, sleeping – day after day. Then one day you will realize that you have made it to the other side. In time, you will learn to let go of your need to understand, your need for any further closer and your frustration towards others who can’t fully understand how you feel. Life won’t just stop, although for a while it may seem like it has. You will feel alive again, smile again, even laugh again. You will find joy and purpose again, as you grow through your loss and become a better person for having walked through this difficult time. You will be forever changed because of the precious little life that for a short while, was a part of yours.


Even if you can’t believe that it will ever hurt any less than it does at this very moment, that I will simply believe it for you. I want to say honestly that God has replaced the deepest sorrows within my shattered heart with a spirit of true gratitude for my daughter’s brief life. Am I back to normal? No! I have been changed forever by my love for my child and through journeying through the uncharted territories of grief. Over time, the exact same triggers that brought uncontrollable tears in the first year, are now the same memories that feel the sweetest and make me smile.


I feel as though Leah’s brief life is among my greatest treasures. Leah gave me a rare opportunity. Her very life called me to love on a higher plain and at a deeper level. Much of what we do for our children is to prepare them for adulthood or to generate gratitude one day. But in caring for Leah, I knew she would never grow up and thank me. I didn’t love her for any future reward or result. I simply loved Leah and cared for her needs. And it was, perhaps, the greatest privilege of my life.


Thank you for listening to my story. As I spoke today, I know that it has impacted me far more than it will any of you. That’s because I believe there is so much healing that comes through a parent sharing their love for their child who passed away. You each have a significant story to tell. I pray for each of you to have opportunities to share your story when you’re ready. Maybe you just need to speak your child’s name today. For your child’s name sounds the sweetest when spoken from your own lips.


I wanted to end with a quote that I feel so perfectly fits the spirit of our Walk to Remember this morning. “The mention of my baby’s name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. So please let me hear the beautiful music of their name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul.”

May each one of you be blessed with the support of friends and family who will join you in always remembering, always loving and always honoring the life of your baby.

 Thank You ~

Ezra James Jarmer

So we've named our baby boy ~ Ezra James Jarmer!  It just sounded like the perfect fit for my children, Kyla, Leah & Ezra.  Here is his sweet profile picture from the 20 week ultrasound.

Leah's Baby Brother

Leah is a big sister!  We are expecting her little brother on January 24th, 2012, and we can't wait to meet him!  His life has been such a blessing, and has filled us all with hope.  His pregnancy, however has been such a difficult one physically for mom, but I am doing my best to make it through each new day - just taking it one long, sick day at a time.

Being pregnant after Leah has also been so much harder emotionally than I expected.   It is something that has taken all the courage I have, and yet I know now that I am not courageous enough in my own strength to face the unknown. In facing a future pregnancy, my heart has had to come to peace with accepting that this new baby may or may not be healthy.  I am not only open to having a healthy baby, but rather the exact baby which God has in store for us.  This alone was a very long, emotional journey to undertake, and arrive at a place of saying, even though I would NEVER want to walk down this same road again, I am willing to surrender my desires and plans for my life before the Lord.  I know that any belief that I am in some sort of control over preventing HPE from ever touching my life again, possibly through choosing to never get pregnant again is simply false.  For when God creates a life, He doesn't need our permission or for us to feel "ready" for that new life.  If I were to choose to avoid a future pregnancy though it could potentially cause more pain and sorrow, I realized that I would also be avoiding the joy that existed alongside Leah's beautiful life.  For her life was full of an intense purpose that was undeniable - full of a closeness to God that I had never experienced before - full of complete dependence upon God for her each and every breath.  Her life was a season when I can look back and feel that our family was truly focused, without distraction, upon glorifying God.  Her life is like a precious jewel in my spiritual journey of knowing, serving and obeying God.

We were told that there was between a 5 - 50% chance of a future pregnancy resulting in a HPE diagnosis with a similar severity to that of Leah's.  I knew to expect it to be "hard", but what I didn't expect is how that would affect my ability to even as much as picture having this new baby arriving in January.  That is because most pregnant women are full of an ignorantly blissful expectation that their child will be healthy.  Yet, my world has been filled these past few years with so many babies who never made it to their parent's arms, never took a breath, and like our Leah, didn't get to stay. I have gotten to know so many families, who after having a baby like Leah, get their genetic test results that look normal, like Leah's did, and yet they have a subsequent pregnancy with the same fatal condition, even when doctors told them it was very unlikely.  You see, HPE is such a rare condition, that there is MUCH more research needed to discover the likely dozens of additional genes that as of today are not being tested for.  Hence, the 5 - 50% range, given to parents like us even after the 4 genes they tested looked totally normal.  Doctors know they have only found the tip of the iceberg in terms of predicting the genetic factors related to HPE.  Those were HUGE odds to be facing when considering a subsequent pregnancy.  They are in fact, simply terrifying!

For how do you live with your heart desperately yearning with hope for a healthy baby, placed side by side with the new reality of just how many precious babies go to Heaven?  The truth is that after losing a baby, you simply cannot expect that this new life will make it to your arms alive, even though you know that it still COULD, there is such a reality of knowing that it's not a given.  This never caused me to feel like I was putting my love or attachment on hold, but it rather caused me to feel like I am full of love for this child and I am holding my breath, knowing that tomorrow has not yet been promised.  In truth, that is how I feel each and every day in light of my loved ones, after experiencing that Leah was never meant to have 100 days in my arms, but rather she went to Heaven on her 99th day of life.  Yet, I didn't know that her 100th day wasn't going to come to pass......so I lived each day full of love and grattitude for it was a precious gift.

Leah has been a huge part of our family, even over these past 2 years since she went to Heaven.  And I guess it's not surprising then to share that she has been an even bigger part of this pregnancy for me.  It's not that we haven't let her go, for truly we have.  It's just the reality that our love for her remains, it has only grown over these past few years, and we are still so thankful that God brought her to our family.  Just as we are thankful for Kyla's life, and for the life of our new baby boy.  Being pregnant again reminds me so much of my pregnancy of carrying Leah within me.  Even though this is my third time feeling a new baby kick, it still feels so miraculous to realize that there is a new little person living within my body!  It blows my mind, STILL!

Kyla is so very excited for our new baby to be born.  Her prayers the night of our 20 week ultrasound said, "Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, and thank you that his brain is not sick, and I pray that he gets to stay.  Amen."  We are all praying that this little boy "gets to stay", as we live with the full reality that God doesn't owe us anything in regards to that.  Yet, every parent wants their child to get to stay, be healthy and happy and full of potential for their future.

We look forward to holding our new baby boy in our arms, and we do not take a single day of his life for granted!  He has been with us for 5 1/2 months now, and we love him so deeply!

Leah's Heaven Day ~ 2 Years Later

Mother's Day

Waves of Grief

This year, the week leading up to Leah's birthday was easier than last year.  March 20th, still felt hard!  Yet, the week following it has felt a bit harder than I had expected.  Maybe I thought that since I had been feeling like God has brought me to a much brigher place, a place where my heart feels healed enough to focus once again on the future with hope ~ that this wave would be smaller.  Or perhaps it just felt harder because this year I had farther to fall from.  It's hard because waves of grief are not concerned with asking my permission before arriving. They just come!

 It is just plain hard to celebrate your child's birthday without them!  It takes more strength than I have to bake chocolate cupcakes, buy balloons, pick out a special book given to our family in Leah's honor, buy Kyla a special big sister gift, stand at Hallmark trying to find a special daughter birthday card that captures my heart for Leah, to place in her memory box.  It feels exhausting because each step requires so much work to hold back the tears in those public places.  Yet, those are all tasks that I truly WANTED to do, for myself, but espeically for Kyla in honor of her baby sister's birthday!

Happy Birthday Leah!

Kyla wrote her sister's name in the sand.

Mommy wrote Leah's nickname and drew her a Daisy!

Even though March 20th is the first day of Spring, we had to bundle up to stay warm on the Oregon Coast.

Daddy & Kyla

Leah's Mommy & Daddy at Cannon Beach on her birthday!

Today was a day for remembering Leah!  Everything we did held special meaning as we reflected upon being a family of four!  We love you and miss you very much, Sweet Peah!

My Girls

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Our Love for Leah

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