As Mother's Day approaches, I can feel everything within my body literally bracing for what I know will hit on that bittersweet day! Last year, I was blessed to have both my girls here with me. Even though I spent the day completely sick, too sick to attend church, I was not too sick to enjoy the beauty of that day! Luke, Kyla and Leah all brought me breakfast in bed. I received a beautiful set of heart earrings, one heart to wear on each ear to represent the two hearts of my lovely daughters.
How do I really WANT to spend this Mother's Day? I really want to be spending it just like last year - my heart longs so deeply to have both my girls here with me. I want to give them BOTH kisses.....to express my love to both of them! When your heart still has a lifetime of love within it for your child, and your child has left and is in Heaven, it literally feels like your heart will burst! There is now nowhere tangible to put my love for Leah! It often overflows as simply tears, but the depth and various feelings that encompass my love for Leah is beyond words. It's as if the tears are the "wasted love" that has nowhere else to go.
Who am I as a Mother? I am still fully defined, in my mind, as both Kyla & Leah's Mommy! It is all of my children who define my motherhood; and that's where my joy and sorrow collide! I am so proud of both of my girls. Kyla brings me joy every day. Leah's life brings me closer to the Lord and Heaven daily. I am a different kind of mother than most other's I know. I am a mother - though not like you! I am a mother awaiting the day I can be with all my children again! I am a Mother who feels as though a part of my life is on hold. I'm doing my best to keep moving forward in my Motherhood for the sake of my family, especially for my living child. But I am very aware of the reality of BOTH my children, and I have a true yearning to be with them both. When you are a mother, whether your children are near or far, your love still reaches to them, where ever they are.
Mother's Day is both full of Joy & Sorrow for many! It is one relationship each and every single person on earth has had. There are many who wish their mothers had done better, been healthier, or loved them deeper. There are even more who recognize and fully appreciate the daily and lifelong sacrifices their own mother made out of love and devotion to them, their child. For me, this fuller appreciation came only once I became a mother of my own. I have a wonderful mother, and I am blessed to be able to spend Mother's day surrounded by her love and support. For many others, Mother's day is just as much about missing! Some miss their mothers terribly, while other mothers, like myself, miss their children, who made them a mother!
Leah ~ Mommy misses you so much, Sweet Pea! I am eternally thankful to have spent Mother's Day with you last year, Princess. Thank you for that gift! We have the gift of memories, the blessing of love and the bond of being Mother and Daughter! Your sister, Kyla, first made me a Mother, but it was you, Leah, who completed my true understanding of Motherhood! I took care of you, baby girl, from your first cry until your last breath. Few mothers get to witness their child's life in its entirety. I saw your whole life, and I can say it was beautiful. You fought with strength and grace, Leah! You fully embraced the life God created you to live. You have brought me closer to Heaven! You still have the proudest Mommy in the whole world.
It is by God’s strength alone, I am learning to smile through the tears, as I get better at answering the simple questions in life again. How many children do I have? I am a mother of two beautiful daughters, and each is a precious gift from the Lord!
