Thoughts About Heaven, Grief & Missing Leah

Today Leah would have turned 5 months, if she were still here in my arms. Yet even using the past tense doesn't feel correct as I write it. How does this work? I know Leah's alive in Heaven....so then should I use present tense? Leah is 5 months old? This complex grammatical question is a perfect illustration to the problems our human minds and hearts have in the face of profound loss. And as a Christian, it brings answers, yet even so many more questions about the realities of the promises of Heaven. If I know not how to correctly wrap my mind around something as simple as grammar, how then can my heart handle the unknowns about the very real and eternal kingdom of Heaven?

My thoughts about Heaven do not exist to merely make me feel "better" after my baby girl has died. I have poured so many hours of my life over this past year to create what I desire to be an accurate theology of death and Heaven from the Bible. I fear far too many in this world choose their beliefs from a source called "personal comfort". They will dwell on and think about those thoughts and ideas that make them the most comfortable. Yet, Heaven is a core tenant of Christianity! This truth exists in the Bible, and has been accepted and counted on by Christians through the ages. We are told that Jesus Christ alone has overcome death and is the only source of eternal life in Heaven.

Do you know if you'll have eternal life with Christ? That is a question no one but YOU, can answer for yourself. I know with 100% confidence that my faith is genuine! I've granted God access to ALL areas of my life. I strive to let God's priorities and goals become my priorities and goals. My confidence comes from a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

I had to write all of this before entering into the topic of grief. While with a true and real hope of eternal life in Heaven, I do not grieve as one without that hope. I am not merely making up ideas to fit into my grief that make me feel warm and fuzzy. Even with the hope of Heaven, so few of my feelings would I describe as warm and fuzzy. There is however a real and genuine longing to be with the Lord in Heaven - to leave this broken world and the pain of death behind!

Here are my latest thoughts about grief. Many are my own, and others have become my own after searching out encouragement from others grieving the loss of their children.

God is with us as we grieve, but He doesn't immediately take away or prevent us from our grief. He created our deepest emotions of both love and sorrow. He is with us as we experience both!

Grief is never clean. People feel misunderstood, feelings get hurt and wrong assumptions are made all over the place.

I fear people would be truly worried if they knew just how many tears I've cried over the past year.

I have the experience of knowing what it felt like on the outside, before grief touched my life. I know how helpless I'd felt. I wanted to simply fix things for those I watched suffer loss, but I knew that none of my words would take away their pain. That reality made me feel unsure of WHAT gesture to even offer. I'm embarrassed to share how many times that uncertainty led to no action at all.

I can remember how on the outside, I really only had a small capacity for the grief of others. That is because, it was not MY grief. Yes, I've shed tears, on many occasions upon learning of another's loss. However, each time, my world has continued on!

I've now learned that a knowing look and a LONG loving hug is perfect 100% of the time, because there simply are not the RIGHT words! Saying "I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through.....I'm so sorry!", is however a great place to start!
My new best friends have become other mother's who've lost their babies. While I've yet to attend any formal support group, I'm doing what I'm best at - I'm networking! I've called up and emailed a handful of these new friends over the past 7 weeks. I've gotten together with several, and gotten to sit, share, cry and hug another woman who's stood where I am today. I've learned from others who have experienced losing their child, that it's not a process with an end, but rather a journey with many twists, turns, bumps and tears. Even the professionals describe the OBJECT of grief as not to get over the loss or recover from the loss, but rather to get THROUGH the loss. Over the years you will look back and discover that this grief keeps teaching you new things about life. Your understanding of life will just keep going deeper. Your dependence upon the Lord can become more genuine and absolute.

Our culture lends itself to a much different reality of getting OVER loss. It teaches that you can simply replace what has been lost. That concept may be unknowingly behind some of the well-meaning comments I've had recently on the topic of simply having more children. While we still are waiting for genetic test results, I've been told there is a 90% chance Leah's HPE is genetic. This reality brings with it, it's own dimension of grief over the strong possibility of being advised not to have any more biological children.

Our culture also seems to teach that grief is a much faster process than it really is. Many who subscribe to this idea, when faced with their own loss, tend to neglect their own grief and fail to put much real WORK into the process. The process may be stuck in one of the more painful parts of the journey, never having been allowed the emotions to arise, tears to be shed, questions to be asked - all the things that help bring it along farther down the road where healing finally comes into the process.

As a outsider to the process, and only more recently switching roles to that of the bereaved, I have a few more thoughts to share. These are on my behalf, but also these are things that I'm learning and plan to implement down the road when I see someone else in need. These idea are from another parent in my "club":

When you learn of someone's loss,
Now is the time you are needed.
From today forward begins the hour for which you have been placed in the lives of those grieving.

Do not hide behind the notion of giving them their space. While it was much easier to understand your role before now: friends
Your role now- although less defined- is just as important:
a shoulder to cry on, another phone call, another note, a listening ear, a box of tissues given in love.

Not just this week. Not just this month. But for this life.
You will be the ones that remember, that cherish the life lost, with those who miss that life the most. For when one person is missing, the whole WORLD seems empty, for much longer than you might expect!
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The Twins Update

In my last posting, I introduced you all to my dear friend Shanna, who was pregnant with twins. Only days after their grandfather unexpectedly passed away, Landyn and Larsyn were born on Friday, July 31st. Landyn's earthly life consisted of 3 beautiful hours in his parent's arms. His twin sister Larsyn is a source of joy and comfort to her grieving family. Shanna's husband Keith lost both his own Daddy and his only son the same week! This family would be so blessed by your prayers as well!

If nothing else, please visit their site simply to see a lovely photo of the twins as they embraced eachother! Landyn's face is hiding, but it looks just like our Leah! What a unique and lovely face!

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/landynandlarsyn

How Am I Doing?

This question is even more complicated in my mind to formulate an answer to, than the simple grammatical question I opened with. When you ask someone "How're you doing?", I know it's just a cliche, but I'm guessing you have a basic idea still of what you are asking them. For me, I could find much better questions, that I am actually able to answer.

Am I still alive? YES!

Am I getting out of bed each day? YES!

Am I smiling again? YES!

Is our family doing fun things together, and actually enjoying these things in life? YES!

Do I feel more rested? YES!

Do we feel grateful for the time we had with Leah? Yes!

Yet, at the same time.....I feel the reality of how unfair life is! Ask me if I only wanted 99 days? Ask me if I'd rather see Leah smile than smile myself. Ask me if I miss being awake nearly around the clock for 3 months, feeding my disabled child every 3 hours with a pump, measuring medication after medication, surviving in a state of utter exhaustion. Ask me if I miss realigning my entire life to help Leah fight for her next breath. Ask me what Kyla misses most about her sister. Ask me about my most treasured keepsakes or memory. But please, just ask me about Leah! Her name is not off limits. Her name brings me an indescribable amount of joy, and yes, along with hearing it, right now come tears too! Please don't be afraid of my tears. You didn't cause them! I know they make you feel uncomfortable...and for that I'm sorry. I know that someday you'll have tears of your own, and I hope to be the first to come hug you and hold you as you let them flow!